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9 nice things, and 3 slightly bad things | July and August

So I have just got back from a chicken wing festival (!!!) and decided this was as good a time as any to boot up this little baby again.

Well a good time as:

1) I only have 1 more wedding and 1 more hen do this year, so I have time in my weekends to waffle on the internet again now they are not filled with pedal-bussing round London in 30 degree weather (my friend Alice's hen do, mid June), falling in a river (Katherine, last weekend) or being videoed violently pushing a stranger out of my dance space, as I, high on sangria and jaegerbombs leap onto a hay stack as part of my interpretative single ladies dance at Vida festival in Barcelona (Katy, beginning of July). And that is not even mentioning my wedding antics, which were not much more refined despite the evening wear.

2) It is also my birthday in 2 weeks on Wednesday, and this is my prime place to subliminally (or not so subliminally) convince Will to get me a cat. (Ahem). WILL GET ME A CAT. Thanks.

You'll see I am back with an old blogging favourite, a little gratitude list, because it is good for us to count our blessings, don't you know. I try to do these - when I am not taking accidental 3 month blogcations - every other month, looking back at lovely things, looking forward to lovely things etc etc etc. Despite the despondency of that last sentence that is what I will be doing here and I do actually like writing them; how.ev.er: in the interest of making this blog as authentic as possible I wanted to also list some slightly bad, or at least slightly annoying things, as a reminder to me and anyone who reads this, life isn't always instagrammable all the time and that is normal. Like, guys, tbh I'm not always falling in rivers or shoving strangers from my dance space. Sometimes my life is just not that glamorous.

9 nice things | March & April

It is tricky typing this post out today, a) because I massively over predicted how much of a spring day it is, and definitely should not be writing this from the garden armed with an iced (what was I thinking) tea and therefore my hands are going numb making it physically hard to type; and b) because I am not feeling so nice, so writing about nice stuff feels fake and silly and makes this emotionally hard to type. See what I did there.

My crazy irrational panic attacks have definitely made me say no to things and stopped me doing stuff. Sometimes, this can be the right thing to do. Sometimes if I say yes to too much, and rush around too much, all the attempts to be in 2 places at once and not enough time catching up on life admin/sleep/ just doing nothing can mean that too much cortisol (the stress hormone, not as I first thought, a mouthwash brand) pumping around me makes me more likely to feel jittery, and make me more likely to have a panic attack. One of the first things I was told to do when I first started getting help was to just do less. Learn to say no, and put less pressure on myself.

However, sometimes I say no to things because I am scared. Because they take me out of my comfort zone, and make me afraid of being afraid. I always like to tell myself when I say no to something, when I opt out of something that could be fun that it is the former reason and not this one. That I say no because I am looking after myself, I am making my anxiety better, not giving into it and making it worse. Well this weekend I struck out, and there is no way I could argue it was because of the former reason, it was hook line and sinker just me being scared of what might happen in my own head. And I missed out and I let people down and meeurgh.

TV-less Tuesdays

Guys, I have almost formed a new good habit, and so thought I would boast about it around the internet.

For the past 3 months, most weeks on one day (normally a Tuesday) I stay home in the evening but...don't watch TV!

Maybe for some people, this is not that impressive, as they don't love TV like I do. Note however, the reason TV-less days normally occurs on Tuesdays is I am choosing a day I would normally be in. The goal is not to avoid TV one night a week, I mean I know how to spend a weeknight drinking with friends; the goal is to head home from work on time, get home at 6:30 and be in my flat and avoid the TV until bedtime some 4 hours later. See trickier than you first figured. Also add to this that I really love TV, and just fyi not the cool kind. I have never even seen Narcos or the Wire or Entourage. I like shows like Gilmore Girls, Ally McBeal, Pretty Little Liars (guiltily) and when I am feeling really nostalgic, Charmed. I still have the TV taste of an adolscent teenage girl in my 28 year old body.

As much as I love TV however, I worry that it is my procastination monkey's best friend, and whole evenings go by when all I had to do was water the gosh damn plants and call the bank and now it is past my bedtime and I have done neither of those things but I have somehow rewatched for the 3rd time,  40% of season 2 of Parks and Recreation.